jamie (spaceduck8) wrote,

my friends pafe has been interesting lately. distinctions are being made between angsty teenage depression and, i guess, the other kind. i'm hesitant to call it 'mature' or 'adult,' at least where i'm concerned, because when it comes over me there's something fundamentally similar in the stabbing, throbbing in my chest, and the utter despair without reason. At the same time it's undeniably different, if only in how i deal with it. The scary thing I'm starting to not be able to. When I was at my worst during high school, at fifteen or sixteen, I could still control it. I could still function if I absolutely had to. It's starting to control me. Sometimes I just break down and withdraw for a few hours until I'm able to think again.

I always know I'm going to snap out of it, and I think I'm lucky to be able to remember that. It doesn't always matter.

If I could escape this one situation I think maybe things woudl start to get better; if I had an alternative to him maybe I wouldn't hate him so much for being in love with someone already. I don't hate him. Sometimes I start to, and end up wondering instead why I can't make him want me instead.

all my wonderful newfound self-confidence from the last year is trickling away; am I really so unstable that i need to be worshipped to feel okay about myself, and does it make it any better (or worse) if I realize it and can't or don't change?
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