jamie (spaceduck8) wrote,

so many knives on the breeze, even the stars are ill at ease

with my dreadlocks gone i don't feel like myself. i miss them and their fuzzy ropiness. i just have to wait until my hair grows out enough to put them back in. i could do it now, but i have all these funny little pieces that broke off and are maybe two inches long, so i want to wait for those. but really, i just feel ridiculous with hair.

trying to schedule for school and it's heartbreakingly difficult because i don't want to do it. in fact, there's not a whole lot i want to do these days. i'm not sleeping very well and i can't sleep more than 5 hours or so before i wake up with these strange little stabs of adrenaline coursing through me and i have to get up.

i finally got him to admit he'll never want me, not like i want him to. after i decided i wasn't getting anything out of this, all i wanted was for him to tell me that, and for some reason it was so difficult to get out of him. he puts off such a badass image, like he's so dark and evil and modified, and really he's just another fucked up kid trying to figure out what to do with himself. i think figuring that out took away a lot of his mystique for me, which i needed because i was letting myself get way too in to this. at the same time, there's something there that makes me just not quite ready to give up. i've got my guard up and i'll never let him make me feel the way i felt leaving the other night, but somehow i can't withdraw completely.

amsterdam this summer. all are invited.
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