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jamie

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[20 January 16|1:36am]
psssst. a little bit older and quieter and wilder. how are you? who are you?
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[21 September 12|1:35am]
aimless, and yet so focused. endlessly confused but when i really think about it i know exactly what i want. hello, my old country, hello.
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[14 December 10|4:04am]
how strange, it just dawned on me that i've had this silly little thing for ten years. it seems so bizarre that i can say that anything has happened to me for ten years, or even twenty. and that as truly silly and small and long gone most of these entries seem now they make up a more complete picture of my last ten years than is in my head, i think... memories are tainted by hindsight and nostalgia but i always told the truth in the moment.

relocated to austin, tx. it's warm here, and a strange mix of overly friendly and extremely snide individuals. i have a business, and some day i might be able to work for myself. i'd like to go back to school, but only because i miss learning things, i miss figuring out how to take what i have and get what i need, i miss writing A+ papers in two days while watching my classmates struggle for two weeks. i never said i was modest, i'm a good paper writer and it gives me satisfaction.

love, still, yes. still wondering how all this happened. i find myself imagining our wedding cupcakes.

i also find myself with an overwhelming need for something more than reality to exist, translating in to an intense interest in the ghostly activity, perhaps-mythical creatures, house fairies. woods near my house hide something strange, shapeless, soundless, shadowy. i'd like to see it again.
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[11 June 09|2:33am]
know what? i love mushy movies. as much as i love cynical, sarcastic, dark work there's something about unrealistic romanticism that makes me feel like a little kid. lately all i want to watch is breakfast at tiffany's, the princess bride... and the harry potter movies. i fuckin like em, wanna fight about it?

a word about my refusal to use capital letters- i think they're dumb. they don't really change the meaning of what you're saying at all. i don't even use them when i write by hand, except when i'm doing something really formal. so there.

i also have ringworm.
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[3 June 09|3:00am]
it's exciting to feel like writing again. i've neglected this so long i doubt there's even anyone out there reading this, but if there is, say hello. things are strange here; sometimes i feel achingly unhappy and usually i realize it's only boredom and a fear that i will never have what i want, namely, an everyday occupation that satisfies me. i need to do art. other days i wake with a timid optimism and an umistakable joy that i've found the man lying asleep next to me. when i am scared of death, it's his i'm scared of, not mine. when i'm scared of pain or suffering i'm scared of his. love? yes.

music and art still drive everything i do. i need to do art, all the time. i think i need to tattoo people. to sit in a chair and change people, a little bit at a time, every single day.
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[23 May 09|12:09am]
i've pretty much forgotten this thing exists. i spend all my time at unoriginalsinner.etsy.com <3
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[28 August 08|12:27am]
i'm still alive!
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so [17 January 08|1:00pm]
long time no write, at least not here.

pssst. i love.

car breakins are shitty. fucntioning laptops are fantastic. mohawks are hot, expecially multicolored ones. fuckin a.
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[3 December 07|1:18pm]
And with your body next to me, its sleepy sighing 
sounds like waves upon a sea too far to reach
But i'Il gather up my men and try to sail on it again
and we'll walk and quietly talk all through the country of your skin
made up of pieces of the places that you've dreamed and that you've been
We will sleep outside in tents upon this unfamiliar land, and in the morning we'll awake
as a foreign dawning breaks, my men and I we will awake and try again
 
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[4 June 07|4:05am]
i can't sleep. i'm pretty sure there's a cockroach conspiracy happening outside my house; i feel an attack is being formed. i fear infiltration!


the distillers: i am a revenant
regina spektor: apres moi
blind melon: galaxie
ben folds five: underground
bad religion: no control
nice cave and the bad seeds: nature boy
social distortion: ball and chain
the decemberists: the crane wife 3
blind melon: 3 is a magic number
umphrey's mcgee: fool in the rain
nada surf: treading water
regina spektor: carbon monoxide
the distillers: hall of mirrors
secret machines: you are chains
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[21 May 07|11:10pm]
[ mood | saddest girl on third street ]

angry. ANGRY! and a helpless, sad kind of anger, not a righteous, action-inspiring kind. ugh.

i want to be better with words. i want to have something better (brighter) to say.

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[20 March 07|1:06pm]
i might have really, really screwed things up for myself this time. I'm not used to regrets and I'm not used to apologizing, but both of those seem to have taken front seat in my life in the past week.

i thought that breaking up would make me feel relieved that the fighting was over, and free to explore this thing that has recently been reignited. i'm plenty relieved and have done plenty of exploring, but the bottom line is that when the day's over i dream about mike and he's the first thought on my mind in the morning. when i was with mike i thought about pat a lot more than i should and i knew it wasn't fair to mike, but i'm not sure i'm being fair to myself either. i put up a huge wall with pat. i swallowed my pride like i never thought i would be able to, and got my guard up in the process. it helped me deal with the fact that i wasn't the one he really wanted. now it seems i am. there was a time when i would have given anything for that knowledge and now i'm not even sure if i can break down this wall i've put up against him.

what kind of person truly just does not know what she wants? i don't remember the last time i was so confused. I'm so lost and upset it's making me physically sick. i'm not sure I have the balls to call mike up and tell him whats been going on down here since we broke up but i want so badly just to hear his voice. i want to write a letter and let him decide whether to call me but he'd have to give me his address. to call or not to call? my guess is that missing him is going to end up overwhelming me and i'm going to call and spill everything out with a senseless jumble the second he picks up the phone.
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[2 March 07|1:35am]
i quote: 'i could have been hanging out with you this whole time and i feel stupid.' i win!

it's been a while since i missed someone enough to shed tears over the simple fact that we're not physically together. my frustration at our distance often turns in to hostility and sarcasm during arguments and i'm having trouble controlling my temper, something else that doesn't happen too much.

soon i get him all to myself for a week and a half and i am going to make every second last as long as i possibly can.
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rant cont'd. [10 December 06|12:32am]
i'm so incredibly disappointed that he's not worth half the time and energy i spent, and that i'm not better at recognizing shitty people. i hold great store by my instincts and they've never let me down so badly.

he's the first regret i've had in a really long time. defenitely the only one i hold at the moment. there is no reason for such complete dishonesty by way of silence. i deleted his number and picture from my phone tonight and i'm trying to convince myself to forget them both; i think the number's gone. i don't even want to have to option of contacting him, though i know in reality that's silly because i drive past his apartment almost every day and work right across the street from him. if he wants to talk to me, he knows the same. i wonder.

even when someone gives you absolutely nothing, people are so transparent and yet still so suprised when you sit down and tell them all about themselves. i'd like the opportunity but won't seek it out.

so, chalk up july-november as a loss. heartbroken, yes, but by disappointment and disgust, not love. thank god i never loved him.
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[6 December 06|10:06pm]
i finally don't want him anymore. that's not quite true. i want him, but only because i know i can't have him, and realizing that was important. he doesn't deserve to have me feeding his ego like i have been the last few months and i'm not going to do it anymore. i want him to know he missed his chance, and i guess since i want him to know it i'm officially overly concerned with petty bullshit. well, we all have our moments (or months.) i put myself way, way out there with him and got NOTHING in return. i wish i would just have let him teach me to pierce, but looking back on it i don't htink either of us could have changed anything at first. we were just really, really attracted to each other but once he knew it had turned in to something else for me, he should have had the decency to reject me straight out instead of making me piece it together. ugh.

it's silly that it took someone else to get my head straight, especially since it's someone who doesn't know me that well, but hopefully that's going to change.
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so many knives on the breeze, even the stars are ill at ease [3 November 06|2:12pm]
with my dreadlocks gone i don't feel like myself. i miss them and their fuzzy ropiness. i just have to wait until my hair grows out enough to put them back in. i could do it now, but i have all these funny little pieces that broke off and are maybe two inches long, so i want to wait for those. but really, i just feel ridiculous with hair.

trying to schedule for school and it's heartbreakingly difficult because i don't want to do it. in fact, there's not a whole lot i want to do these days. i'm not sleeping very well and i can't sleep more than 5 hours or so before i wake up with these strange little stabs of adrenaline coursing through me and i have to get up.

i finally got him to admit he'll never want me, not like i want him to. after i decided i wasn't getting anything out of this, all i wanted was for him to tell me that, and for some reason it was so difficult to get out of him. he puts off such a badass image, like he's so dark and evil and modified, and really he's just another fucked up kid trying to figure out what to do with himself. i think figuring that out took away a lot of his mystique for me, which i needed because i was letting myself get way too in to this. at the same time, there's something there that makes me just not quite ready to give up. i've got my guard up and i'll never let him make me feel the way i felt leaving the other night, but somehow i can't withdraw completely.

amsterdam this summer. all are invited.
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if you're ghetto, and you've got a knife, you don't need a reason to stab somebody. [23 October 06|5:36pm]
that bit of valuable information brought to you by wick's pizza.

some people are able to completely undo me. i am unraveled, scattered, shaken up, undone. i can't stop it anymore than i can stop liking it. if he goes back to her, i hope it's a really, really hard decision, and i hope he regrets it. and that makes me a vengeful, bitter person, and maybe that's okay for once.

and if he doesn't, well.
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[15 October 06|1:52pm]
my friends pafe has been interesting lately. distinctions are being made between angsty teenage depression and, i guess, the other kind. i'm hesitant to call it 'mature' or 'adult,' at least where i'm concerned, because when it comes over me there's something fundamentally similar in the stabbing, throbbing in my chest, and the utter despair without reason. At the same time it's undeniably different, if only in how i deal with it. The scary thing I'm starting to not be able to. When I was at my worst during high school, at fifteen or sixteen, I could still control it. I could still function if I absolutely had to. It's starting to control me. Sometimes I just break down and withdraw for a few hours until I'm able to think again.

I always know I'm going to snap out of it, and I think I'm lucky to be able to remember that. It doesn't always matter.

If I could escape this one situation I think maybe things woudl start to get better; if I had an alternative to him maybe I wouldn't hate him so much for being in love with someone already. I don't hate him. Sometimes I start to, and end up wondering instead why I can't make him want me instead.

all my wonderful newfound self-confidence from the last year is trickling away; am I really so unstable that i need to be worshipped to feel okay about myself, and does it make it any better (or worse) if I realize it and can't or don't change?
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[2 October 06|11:40pm]
people are never who you want them to be.
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maybe we'll catch up some day [9 August 06|11:15pm]
leprosy/mass infestation. either way, gross.

i miss passion.
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[30 July 06|9:29pm]
it's not easy for me not to be in love, and when i am it's never as easy as it was not to be. sheesh!

i've missed being with someone so badly that i've tricked myself in to something that's probably not good for me. I'm getting the distinct impression that i'm nothing more than some half-assed attempt at distraction from his ex-girlfriend, who his eyes say no one will ever compare to.

and YOU, sir, have caused a major upheaval in my head. i'm hoping i'm not making this out to be more than it is, but looking at you the other night i don't think i am. you could be exactly what i need. please be that. please turn out to be as good as you are beautiful.
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[27 July 06|6:02pm]
i think even people who say they don't want someone, really do, or at least want to want someone. i say i'm done with boyfriends and expectations and obligations but i think i'm trying to convince myself that i don't need any of that. in reality i think everyone needs some of that, every once in a while. it's been a while since i have had one of those people that i could go to no matter what else happened, and feel like i was where i belonged. i could have that back but there's a big huge red warning light flashing in the back of my head at the thought. i'm not sure what that's about.
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[6 July 06|10:50am]
do you ever read someone's entries and pretend they are writing about you?

someone looks at me and thinks of ways to make me heppy. am i selfish because i don't do the same? i do what i do and hope the other person digs it. if not, we go our seperate ways and that's that.

i'm not incredibly brave, or very sophisticated, and when my meager flirting attempts go unnoticed (perhaps not unnoticed, but not acted upon) i'm lost as to the next thing to do.

i'm completely bored with life here, with everyone i know here and everything i do all the time. even art feels stale; i feel like i'm forcing something out of myself when there's really nothing there.
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a fun car activity [4 July 06|10:43pm]
turn the radio to 'scan' on AM and just let it keep going.
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[27 June 06|10:39am]
does anyone want a rabbit?
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